Dear Trixie, 
Please explain something to me. Exactly how long does it take to give a woman an orgasm? Is that true that it takes at least two hours of foreplay? 
--Not Exactly A Novice

Dear Not Exactly,
Less if you give jewelry.

Dear Trixie,
My six year old son has been saying some strange things lately. If he doesn’t get his way he threatens to harm himself. Once he held his breath for a whole minute and his face turned bright red. I don’t know what to do.  Yesterday he told his dad to give him 5 cookies or he would cut himself with a steak knife.
--Concerned Mother

Dear Concerned Mother,
It’s a bluff. Give him the knife.

Dear Trixie,
My boyfriend is really cheap. He shows up on a Friday night with a handful of day lilies he got from the side of the road and says. “What’s for dinner?” He seems to think I am going to cook and serve him and because we are monogamous that that means he never has to take me out to a decent restaurant. I am a good cook and it pleases me that he is proud of my culinary skills but I want to go OUT sometimes. I need romance and roses!  I am a passive person by nature and I have trouble saying anything and being tough on this issue. What can you recommend?
--Betty Crocker

Dear Betty Crocker,
Your first mistake was bringing him home and feeding him. Once you feed them they never want to leave. You need to retrain him to despise your cooking. Here is a recipe for an edible but perfectly disgusting dinner. 

I call it Casserole Gavage:
1 can creamed corn
1 can corned beef
1 can fruit cocktail
4 cups oatmeal

Stir ingredients  until mixture resembles vomit, then bake.

Continue serving this meal until he offers to take you out to a nice place or until breaks up with you.