Dr. Skrap's Completely Worthless Horoscopes (FEB 16 - 29)
Aries 3/21-4/19
While it’s often said that you need to be yourself, if “yourself” means you’re a 35-year-old My Little Pony fan posting about it on the Internet, it may be time to re-examine your priorities. Especially if you’re a dude.
Taurus 4/20-5/20
Yeah, you screwed up Valentine’s Day, and you got your special someone a bottle of Mad Dog 20 / 20 instead of a nice dinner, flowers and all that. Look on the bright side, though: Now that they’ve left you, the Mad Dog will get you nice and drunk for dirt-cheap.
Click the title for the rest of Dr. Skrap's Worthless Horoscopes...
Gemini 5/21-6/21
This unseasonably warm winter does not give you an excuse to walk around outside wearing socks with sandals. It does, however, give you the excuse to break out the grill early and start rocking some steaks.
Cancer 6/22-7/22
A refrigerator full of store-brand yogurt and a pantry full of store-brand macaroni and cheese doesn’t mean you’re thrifty and smart with your money. It means your standards have fallen so impossibly low that you need to take a long, hard look at where you went wrong.
Leo 7/23-8/22
Boasting to your spouse that you’ve finally remembered to water the plants on a regular basis is not a qualification for being a parent. At best, you may be able to handle caring for a gerbil. Start small, my friend.
Virgo 8/23-9/22
It’s possible that your Facebook posts of inspirational photos with inspirational messages might inspire someone. It’s also possible that the “listen to your heart” and “love yourself no matter what” messages might inspire a serial killer’s next murder.
Libra 9/23-10/22
While making gumbo for Mardi Gras seems like a good excuse to clean out the fridge, that does not mean you can just throw anything in there. Like that blue fuzzy thing in that jar there … yeah, that should just get thrown out.
Scorpio 10/23-11/21
You realize that when you ask “how can this get any worse” you are basically begging for a kick in the crotch, right?
Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Clearly, the “annual” order of girl scout cookies were not technically intended to fill an “annual” need. Maybe they should sell thighmasters too?
Capricorn 12/22-1/19
You like to take things slow, but if you’re still working up to implementing that new year’s resolution, you can just start working on something else, perhaps your 2009 taxes.
Aquarius 1/20-2/18
I’m not saying you’ll desever the beating you’ve got coming this week, but when some drunk idiot screams, “hey you, with the face”, and you look up, you’ve sealed your own fate.
Pisces 2/19-3/20
Your Facebook friends are beginning to ignore you since the arrival of your new kitten (or puppy) and your subsequent new position as publicist for your pet. We get it. It’s cute.